I had always admitted that I was a racist to some degree, but I never had to define the amount. I either had to move past Maurine, or figure out a compromise. I needed a lot more information about Maurine’s life style before I decided to move forward seeking a relationship with her. It wouldn’t be fair to her to pursue a romantic relationship knowing I couldn’t go forward with it all the way. That would just hurt her more than a simple, I had fun but I don’t think we are a good match.I know this sounds awful and I’m disappointed in myself, but I needed to know who her friends were and what their positions were on race. Okay that sounds bad, but a truly radical racist friend would be a problem for me. I was sure Maurine would have some black friends just as I had black friends when I worked. I didn’t see them anymore, but I still considered them friends. Finding her friends and then finding out who they were was going to be a necessity for me.I went from bored with nothing to do, to. We sat like that a while, neither of us knowingwhat to say.He was, he said at last, always a man's man. That's the way he'd alwaysfelt, the way he had been raised. The pick-ups at bar, that was justmoney. It was tough to be sailor, tough to make money stretch. Lots ofsailors knew that way of making a few bucks more. It wasn't gay to let aguy pay you to suck you off. Nor even, if you didn't think about it much,to be the top once in a while, a fast trot with a guy bent over beforeyou; close your eyes, bang away fast enough, grab the money and go. Who'sgoing to know?We had done something, somethings, different. We'd made our love together,he to me, me to him. We'd made it slow, and long, and more than once. We'dmade it face to face.True, I had worn what women wear. But we had touched, he'd felt me on hisbelly, seen me in the morning light when we had rolled apart. He was a guywho wanted women. Women, dammit. Not another guy.He needed something from me. I touched his face, whispered:"So.
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